Losing Our Power in the Three “P’s” – Perfectionism, People-Pleasing and Performing And How To Regain It

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Losing Our Power in the Three “P’s” – Perfectionism, People-Pleasing and Performing

And How To Regain It

With Dr. A

A subtle erosion of personal power occurs when we fall into the trap of the “Three P’s” - Perfectionism, People-Pleasing, and Performing. Often rooted in good intentions or a desire to fit in, these behaviors slowly strip away our authenticity, leaving us disconnected from our true selves. This can lead to emotional drain, physical exhaustion, and sometimes feelings of hopelessness or powerlessness.

I have met numerous individuals who have come to me feeling drained, frustrated and disempowered without understanding the reasons behind it. I often discover that the root of their distress lies in how they have subconsciously relinquished their power to three seemingly harmless patterns of behavior. For many of us, these habits originate from early childhood experiences, where we felt the need to “be good” or meet someone else’s standards to earn love and approval.

The Three “P’s:” How They Disempower Us

Let’s start with perfectionism. On the surface, striving for excellence seems noble, but perfectionism is insidious. While striving to do our best means being dedicated, resilient, and open to growth, perfectionism is a relentless pursuit of flawlessness. It is rooted in the belief that anything less than perfect is unacceptable. It’s about more than wanting to do well; it’s about feeling like nothing you do is ever enough. You’re constantly setting unattainable goals for yourself, and when you inevitably fall short of your unrealistic expectations, self-criticism rushes in. Perfectionism tricks us into believing that if we can just do everything perfectly, then we’ll finally be worthy of love, admiration, and acceptance. But perfection doesn’t exist, and chasing it keeps us locked in a cycle of self-doubt and inadequacy.

I have struggled with this “P” most of my life.  I have worn myself out hustling for my own worthiness by proving to the world that I am an exceptional human being by chasing my ideas of perfection.  Instead, I have found that this chase has left me feeling exhausted and chronically disappointed in myself, ultimately chipping away at my self-trust and self-confidence.  Despite this, I consider myself a perfectionism junkie, chasing the next fix that will take me to the next level of worthiness.  It does feel like an addiction, a pattern of thoughts that I feel powerless to.  And, the cost to me has been quite high.  It has sometimes robbed me of peace, joy, ease, and confidence.  As I recover, every moment allows me to go down the road of perfectionism or the road of enoughness.  And, at times, it feels like much like a junkie; it is one day at a time.  I am learning to show myself grace in this recovery process.

Perfectionism is a mask we wear to protect ourselves from feelings of inadequacy.  It tells us we are not enough unless we are perfect.  But perfection is an illusion, an unattainable goal that leaves us exhausted, burned out, and disconnected from our true selves.

Next, there’s people-pleasing, which often disguises itself as kindness or selflessness. Genuine altruism comes from a place of love and compassion, where we help others without expecting anything in return. People-pleasing, however, is driven by the need for approval and validation. It’s when you prioritize the needs and desires of others to the point of neglecting your own. You say “yes” when you want to say “no” because you fear letting others down. Over time, this leads to resentment, burnout, and a sense of being invisible. When you consistently put others first, you lose sight of your needs, values, and desires.  We all struggle with wanting to please others because our need for acceptance is wired into our DNA, as our survival depends on our being part of and taken care of by the pack.  Our primitive brain kicks in, and we fear that if we do not please others, we will be rejected and cast outside the pack, and we will die.  Yes, this sounds dramatic to our logical brain, but this fear feels quite real to our survival brain.  People-pleasing stems from the fear that we will be rejected and abandoned if we don’t keep everyone happy.

People-pleasing is also a mask that protects us against the pain of being disliked or judged, but it comes at a significant cost.  We abandon ourselves when we constantly put others’ needs before our own.  We lose sight of who we are and what we truly want because we are so focused on meeting others’ expectations, deepening our sense of unworthiness.

Finally, there is the mask of performing.  This can be a tricky one as it can look a lot like authenticity.  When we perform, we present a version of ourselves that we think the world wants to see.  We may show up as the perfect intimate partner, parent, or employee while suppressing our true thoughts and feelings. It’s about playing a role rather than living as your authentic self. Genuine authenticity means being honest and vulnerable, showing up as we are, not as we think we should be.  It means being comfortable with who we are, even when messy and imperfect.  On the other hand, performing is when we mold ourselves to fit the expectations of family, friends, colleagues, or society at large. Performing is exhausting because you’re constantly on guard, afraid that the real you might slip out and be judged, rejected, or misunderstood.

Performance is a mask that protects us from the vulnerability of truly being seen.  By showing up as what we think others want us to be, we avoid the risk of rejection or judgment.  It is a way to feel accepted and validated, but it is not sustainable because we cannot continually gatekeep what we want others to know about our true selves.

These three behaviors have something in common: they are all fear-driven. Perfectionism stems from a fear of failure or inadequacy. People-pleasing arises from a fear of rejection. Performing comes from a fear of not being accepted for who we truly are. And all three rob us of our power.

The Cost of the Three “P’s”

The emotional toll of living this way is heavy. When caught in perfectionism, people-pleasing, or performing, you constantly manage how you appear to others. This creates anxiety, insecurity, and a sense of never feeling “good enough.” It also leads to exhaustion—mentally, emotionally, and physically—because maintaining these patterns requires immense energy.

Worse yet, these behaviors create a disconnection from yourself. When you’re constantly striving for an unrealistic ideal (perfectionism), catering to others (people-pleasing), or wearing a mask (performing), you’re not living in alignment with your authentic self. This disconnection leads to feelings of emptiness and a persistent sense that something is missing. By hiding behind these masks, we protect ourselves from the fear of rejection, judgment, and abandonment, but we also cut ourselves off from true intimacy, joy, and self-acceptance.  These masks protect us from pain, but they also isolate us.

Over time, the costs can extend to physical health. The chronic stress and anxiety associated with these behaviors can manifest in sleep problems, digestive issues, headaches, and even more serious conditions like high blood pressure or autoimmune disorders. Emotionally, it leads to burnout, depression, and a sense of powerlessness.

The Healthy Counterparts: Reclaiming Our Power

How can we break free from these disempowering habits? It starts with becoming aware, being willing to do inner work, and committing to aligning ourselves with healthier, more empowering behaviors. Most importantly, it begins with showing self-compassion and practicing self-forgiveness. It’s not about “fixing” ourselves because we are not broken or deficient. Instead, it’s about uncovering our true selves by removing the masks and reconnecting with who we really are. It’s about giving ourselves permission to be imperfect, to say no, and to show up authentically, even when it’s scary.

From Perfectionism to Being Your Best Self

Perfectionism is a trap, but striving to be the best version of yourself is something else entirely. The difference is in the mindset. Being your best self means giving your all AND recognizing that you are human and that mistakes and imperfections are part of growth. It’s about self-compassion, self-forgiveness, and embracing progress over perfection.

When you shift from perfectionism to striving for excellence, you give yourself permission to make mistakes. You realize that you are enough as you are, even when things aren’t perfect. This shift frees you from the relentless pressure of living up to impossible standards. You reclaim your power by accepting yourself fully—flaws and all.

From People-Pleasing to Altruism

People-pleasing and altruism may seem similar when you first look at them because they both involve caring for others.  However, they actually come from very different motivations. People-pleasing is about seeking approval and avoiding conflict, while altruism comes from genuine love and concern for others without disregarding one’s needs and boundaries.

It’s important to reconnect with your values and desires to break free from people-pleasing. Ask yourself, “What do I want?” and “What’s important to me?” When you give from a place of genuine compassion rather than obligation or fear, you retain your sense of self and live authentically. It’s the difference between giving because you have to and giving because you want to.

From Performing to Authenticity

Performing, or pretending to be something you’re not, is exhausting. Authenticity is about embracing your true self, even if it’s messy or imperfect. It’s about showing up as you are, with your honest thoughts, feelings, and desires, and trusting that you are enough.

The antidote to performing is vulnerability. You reclaim your power when you let down your guard and allow others to see the real you. You no longer have to expend energy maintaining a façade. You can build deeper, more meaningful connections with others because you show up fully as yourself, not as the version you think they want to see.

My Own Journey: Learning to Reclaim My Power

I know the Three P’s well because I’ve lived them. I AM a recovering perfectionist. I have held myself to impossibly high standards, constantly feeling like I have to prove my worth through my achievements. At the same time, I was a people-pleaser. When I was younger, I was afraid to say no, of being judged, disappointing others, or being seen as selfish. And I performed—I put on a mask, pretending to have it all together, while inside, I was crumbling under the weight of trying to be everything to everyone.

It wasn’t until I hit a breaking point—when I was utterly burned out, physically broken, sick, and emotionally depleted—that I realized I had to make a change. I started working with a coach, and slowly, I unraveled the patterns that kept me stuck.

I am learning to embrace my imperfections and see them as part of what makes me human. I started setting boundaries, saying “no” when I wanted to, and listening to my needs. And I began showing up as my authentic self, even when it was scary.

The journey wasn’t easy, and it’s ongoing. But I can tell you this: reclaiming your personal power is worth it. When you stop trying to be perfect, living for others, and pretending to be something you’re not, you begin to live more freely, fully, and powerfully than ever before.

You ARE Enough

The Three P’s are a powerful force, but they don’t have to rule your life. The antidote is within you—it’s about embracing your imperfections, setting boundaries, and showing up as your true self. When you do this, you reclaim your personal power, which is life-changing. You are enough just as you are, without needing to prove it, please others, or pretend.

Reclaiming your power means reclaiming your peace, joy, and ability to live authentically. And that, more than anything else, is what it means to truly live a fulfilled life.